Monday, November 09, 2015

showing up. again and again.

you're surprised to see this, right?  ha! i don't blame you one bit. i'm surprised that i'm writing on my blog again! i was thinking the other day about things that make me happy and blogging came to mind. i always loved sharing and expressing myself in this way. i love all the connections i've made through it. it's like therapy sometimes to just sit and type. so here i am. 

quick update. we are living in colorado these days. mark's solar job has brought us out here. over the summer the kids and i were in utah with family and mark was in arizona doing some work training. yeah, we were split up again for 4 months. remember how i said i would never do that again? silly me. sometimes there are other plans. but we are all together again and loving colorado. it's been a huge blessing to be here already. we've really been watched over and taken care in so many ways. this is where we need to be.

so out of the last 22 months, we've moved six times. i'm a moving pro, y'all! also, mark and i have been living in different states for 10 of those months. 6 months here, 4 months there. can i just say, it's not fun to be apart. it's crazy how quickly we became used to doing things on our own. mark was like a single dude. he's had to get used to the kid's noise levels again, which isn't something you'd think would be hard, but it is. we've had to get used to each other again. all the opinions, quirks, moods and so on. and i'm not gonna lie, having my own bed and alllllll that space was nice. ha! but it's even nicer to be a whole family again. i will say, i sincerely have so much respect for single parents. it's so not easy. i don't think i ever got the hang of it. i did my best but fell short in some areas.
i realized the other day that i've only been surviving, not thriving, most of this year. surviving all the moves, surviving all the changes, surviving as a single mom, surviving as me. but i can say that i showed up. showing up to me is taking on all the changes, challenges, issues, opportunities, chances and being present for them. feeling them, not pushing them away. looking at them head on, being unsure and still going for it. being me as much as i know how to be. i was surviving but i showed up. that was me being brave when it was hard.
also, i'm not saying that i haven't experienced joy. i mean, being around family and seeing two (now three) little babies come into the mero family was the best. seeing the kids enjoy cousins and old friends was wonderful. reconnecting with my friends. summer evening walks with my mother-in-law. endless shaved ice. visiting national parks i'd never been to and learning more about myself and my little family has brought joy. but at the core, i was lacking, just surviving.
i'm ready to thrive. to get back to doing what i love to do. to be a happier person. to be a more giving person. sometimes while trying to survive, i forget to give to others. giving is my love language and i had stopped doing it. i blocked that kind of happiness out but didn't realize it. i see that now.

remember all my past rants on this blog about being purposeful? well, i need to take my own advice and give it another try. i survived. i showed up. and now i'm going to be purposeful and thrive. 

2 comments:

Chalise said...

You have taken the feelings out of my heart and put them so eloquently in this post. You really have a gift for writing and I loved reading your post. I hope you keep blogging because I need more Emily in my life now that your not in UT. I hope you being thriving. I hope I do too.

Marisa Jean said...

I swear that 2014 and 2015 has had a curse on it. The. Hardest. Years. Ever. Well, for me anyway. You have done an amazing job of keeping your head above water. I feel like I am sinking, and I haven't even been away from my husband or had to move 7,000 times. You are amazing! I am thinking I need a visit to Colorado. I haven't seen you in ages and I miss you dearly, friend! Best of luck getting settled. XOXO