Friday, January 03, 2014

change is here

an oldie but a goodie. the pic, i mean. we aren't that old. yet.
i know you're shocked. but i'm back. too much has been going on lately so this post may just seem like a bunch of word vomit but so be it. it is what it is.

mark left for california this morning. the kids and i are in a new house but in the same neighborhood. i couldn't let my husband go AND leave my neighborhood. that's craziness.

back to mark. he's starting his new job tomorrow. this has been coming for a long time now. i knew during the summer that change was coming. i knew we weren't going to be in our house much longer. i had no clue where we were going but i knew change was coming. and because i knew that, i kept trying to force the change. like every time i heard about a new job, i'd hound mark to apply for it. or if i ran across a cute place to live, i'd set up a time to walk through it and convince myself this was the change i knew was coming. funny thing is though, you can't force things to happen when it's not the RIGHT time. november came and suddenly it was the right time. everything lined up. it was kinda freaky, to be honest. everything kept falling into place. over and over.

THIS was the change i had felt was coming.

so, we moved into the home of a couple in our ward who are currently on a mission. the house is fully furnished. today is our second full day in the new house. we are adjusting.

mark is currently on a plane. he will be gone for a week and then come back for his car and drive back out to california. then we will probably only see him once a month til june.


here's the thing. i quietly cried on the way to the airport (didn't want to freak out my kids by being a mess) and stayed silent on the way home (except when 'thrift store' came on the radio... all four of us couldn't resist singing, i mean come on) after leaving mark at the airport. i sort of adore my husband, if you didn't already know. this situation is not what i want. at. all. and i'm a very independent chick, y'all. mark teases me that the thing i say the most is "i can do it" whenever anything comes my way, whether i actually can or not. and then my pride kicks in and i usually can do it because i'm not going to let people tell me i can't. you get the picture.

but this...this is feeling overwhelming at the moment. it's more difficult than i had planned on.

however, it's the RIGHT thing to do for now. i know that. i feel it. i can do it. we will all be fine.

the sacrifice is small compared to the blessings that have come and are continuing to come.

i was reading through some blogs today that i haven't had much time to read lately and something i read stuck me. it's exactly what i believe and what i've been reminding myself of the last few days, but especially this morning. it's from the blog 'hey natalie jean.'
"i've always believed that every new breath is a new chance to choose happiness. it's been my rallying cry for most of my adult life. happiness is a choice. it isn't a place or a set of conditions, it is a fight that you take on and then take on again, every single day. you can't let yourself forget to choose to be happy. i mean, i let myself forget all of the time, but that's not the point. the point is to remember and then get back into the battle the second you can. i'm generally a very happy person because of it. but i'd forgotten that strength is a choice, too. as is warmth. and laughter. and light. 
i can choose to be light. that is a choice that is worth fighting for."

i choose to do this. i choose to be happy with it. i choose to have strength through it. i choose to be warm and light for my kids. i choose to be happy because this is the change i knew was coming and had to happen. 

and everything will be okay in the end. 


thedoodlegirl said...

Oh how I love you! So sorry you're going through all of this. You are one amazing lady. Thanks for inspiring me!

Laurel said...

You can do this! You echo my every thought! Seriously, I could not have said it better myself. Our new life starts next week. Everything will be different and I feel in my very bones that this difficult choice is the right thing for our family and that all will be well in the end.

Marisa Jean said...

I was going to tell you that you are an amazing and strong woman who despite the situation that has presented itself to you, will pull through and make it work. And I was going to tell you that it sucks what you have to go through but I'm excited for the new job that fell in your lap. But those words just sound stupid to me right now.

What I really wanted to say is that I hope I can be a good support to you during the next few months. I am up late every night, so call/text me for a late night does of cereal and gossip. Before you know it, May will be here and we'll all celebrate...and secretly cringe at the thought of you moving so far away. :(.