Saturday, August 20, 2011

baby love

babies have been on my mind lately. maybe it's because my "baby" just turned three and is potty trained now. i don't have a little one who needs me in the middle of the night or who lays on the floor cooing. i should be overwhelmingly happy, right? it's tough to have little ones who demand so much of your time. my body is finally mine again. it's pretty used up at this point but it's mine, a baby is not in it or hanging from it. 
i've never been so emotional about the lack of a baby in my life than i am right now. most likely it's because i know i'm done. having a baby right now wouldn't be wise. and few years down the road, when things should be calming down, it probably isn't going to be on my mind. izzy is already three and i don't want the gap to be much bigger than that between her and a baby. it's difficult enough having a four and a half year gap between her and olivia.
side note: i'm not ignoring the prompting to have a baby, just to be clear. i know that i shouldn't. i know that. it's just sad to get to the point where i know i'm done. however, i will say, if i receive some sort of sign, like a heavenly being telling me that i MUST have a baby, then ya know, i'll consider it. 
my point - this is a tough phase of life for me. much harder than i anticipated it would be. i will admit that it's a physical aching that i feel in my body. my body is mourning the change as well. i certainly didn't expect that.
i was looking at some pictures of when i was pregnant and when the kids were first born. man, they sure were cute! mark and i make some cute babies, if i do say so myself.
i think i'll share a few.

seven months with ethan. i don't know what i'm doing with my face. i'll blame it on the pregnancy, it makes ya do strange things, right?
sorry about the quality. it's a scanned pic. this is the first time i held ethan. i just cried and cried. he was perfect.

grumpy old man face
six weeks old. i remember sitting like this most of the day, every day.
almost two. about the time i had olivia.
i couldn't find any traditional pregnancy pics with liv so this will have to do. i was eight months pregnant and out in VA visiting family. now, let me say, i gain 50 lbs whenever i'm pregnant, whether i eat all veggies or all junk, that's just the way it is. my pregnancy with liv shows off those 50 lbs more than any other pregnancy. mark just laughs when he looks back at these pics. it is kind of amusing.

meeting for the first time. liv spent some time in the NICU and came on on oxygen and monitors. so ethan wasn't able to meet her until she came home.
such a pretty baby. she would sleep like this for hours...and i let her. hence my house being trashed in the background. 
she loved her swing. and her hair grew out in the back first, leaving the top pretty bald. funny girl.
pregnant with izzy. my friend melanie and i were due the same week and ended up having the babies one day apart. i think we're about 5 or 6 months along here.
belly shot. two days before i had her.
i had a c-section with iz. she was breach.

holding her for the first time. after a four year break from babies, i was so thrilled when she arrived.
a few hours after she was born. she always had her tongue sticking out like this.
those are my babies. looking at these pictures makes me want to go back to those moments and hold them as little newborns again. they were so sweet. they still are. i look forward to the next phase in mommyhood - enjoying my kids as they get older.


Chalise said...

so so sweet. There is something about holding your own brand new baby that nothing else compares to.

Chris and Tara Stanley said...

Such cute pictures. I'm pregnant right now, in my first trimester so I'm not enjoying it right now, but I'll be so happy when the little one gets here! You have such cute kids!

Marisa Jean said...

What the...there's NO WAY you gained 50 pounds. You don't look like there's anything there but belly, and a cute one at that! UNFAIR!

You had, and still have gorgeous babies.

I can't totally understand the feeling of knowing you're done. While I've never "craved" having a baby, I actually think that I will struggle when I realize I can't have any more or that we're done. Seems backward since I normally don't even consider the idea of babies until forced to, but now that I think about it, I might have a hard time.

Melanie said...

Yes! I made the cut! Although I will say, my prego picts get a lot more entertaining as time progresses. :-) Ha ha.

You look great in all of these, of course, and it is so hard to think of all these babies growing up so much. Like that photo of Ethan - holy cow he was little!