babies have been on my mind lately. maybe it's because my "baby" just turned three and is potty trained now. i don't have a little one who needs me in the middle of the night or who lays on the floor cooing. i should be overwhelmingly happy, right? it's tough to have little ones who demand so much of your time. my body is finally mine again. it's pretty used up at this point but it's mine, a baby is not in it or hanging from it.
i've never been so emotional about the lack of a baby in my life than i am right now. most likely it's because i know i'm done. having a baby right now wouldn't be wise. and few years down the road, when things should be calming down, it probably isn't going to be on my mind. izzy is already three and i don't want the gap to be much bigger than that between her and a baby. it's difficult enough having a four and a half year gap between her and olivia.
side note: i'm not ignoring the prompting to have a baby, just to be clear. i know that i shouldn't. i know that. it's just sad to get to the point where i know i'm done. however, i will say, if i receive some sort of sign, like a heavenly being telling me that i MUST have a baby, then ya know, i'll consider it.
my point - this is a tough phase of life for me. much harder than i anticipated it would be. i will admit that it's a physical aching that i feel in my body. my body is mourning the change as well. i certainly didn't expect that.
i was looking at some pictures of when i was pregnant and when the kids were first born. man, they sure were cute! mark and i make some cute babies, if i do say so myself.
i think i'll share a few.
|seven months with ethan. i don't know what i'm doing with my face. i'll blame it on the pregnancy, it makes ya do strange things, right?|
|sorry about the quality. it's a scanned pic. this is the first time i held ethan. i just cried and cried. he was perfect.|
|grumpy old man face|
|six weeks old. i remember sitting like this most of the day, every day.|
|almost two. about the time i had olivia.|
|meeting for the first time. liv spent some time in the NICU and came on on oxygen and monitors. so ethan wasn't able to meet her until she came home.|
|such a pretty baby. she would sleep like this for hours...and i let her. hence my house being trashed in the background.|
|she loved her swing. and her hair grew out in the back first, leaving the top pretty bald. funny girl.|
|pregnant with izzy. my friend melanie and i were due the same week and ended up having the babies one day apart. i think we're about 5 or 6 months along here.|
|belly shot. two days before i had her.|
|i had a c-section with iz. she was breach.|
|holding her for the first time. after a four year break from babies, i was so thrilled when she arrived.|
|a few hours after she was born. she always had her tongue sticking out like this.|
those are my babies. looking at these pictures makes me want to go back to those moments and hold them as little newborns again. they were so sweet. they still are. i look forward to the next phase in mommyhood - enjoying my kids as they get older.